Nicole’s Story

I haven’t thought about Teen Mania for several years. I was an intern from 2004-2005 and after that year I spent the next several years telling myself that Teen Mania didn’t affect me. That despite the clear indoctrination I felt I experienced, I still continued to live a good Christian life and made every effort to put that year behind me. That was until this week in Bible study when another Honor Academy alumni told me about the documentary that had been released. When I heard about this an array of emotions followed, I didn’t tell anyone in my Bible study, including her, that I had attended HA. However, after reading so many stories like mine, I knew the years of silence needed to end. Here is my story and when I have spent my twenties trying not to focus on Teen Mania.

When I was sixteen I attended Acquire the Fire, like many others I wanted to pursue God. Ron Luce had also told us that 80%(I think that was the percentage) of people fall away from God when they are out of High School. Regardless of the exact percentage, I remember it being quite high and I feared that I too would fall away. So I saved up all the money I could (six thousand dollars) and enlisted in the Honor Academy.

At first it seemed exciting. I met some great people and I personally loved corporate exercise. However I began noticing that something was terribly wrong when I willingly participated in ESOAL. For starters, my friend broke her nose because people were throwing fireworks. I remember peeing in my clothes because I didn’t know where the bathrooms where. I felt that the leaders were enjoying ESOAL a little too much, actually the year that I participated in ESOAL Dave Hasz brought his seven year old daughter, Ashley to witness the event. The whole time I was doing ESOAL I remember thinking that I didn’t see the point of the event. I believe God teaches you things through trials, but I questioned why we did this event. I remember people being humiliated, I remember rolling down a hill and people noticing that I wasn’t getting sick and then forcing me to roll faster. I never rang out, but I also never felt proud of this. To me I was proud of myself for physically enduring ESOAL, but I would always question myself regarding why I chose to be in this.

As the year continued on, I began questioning some of the practices at the Honor Academy. For example, during our week of Honor, I remember being woken up at 4:30am in the morning and told to chant. When I told people that it freaked me out seeing everyone chanting and that I didn’t want to participate, I was constantly told that I had a rebellious spirit, and that rebellion was a form of witchcraft. By the grace of God, I found some friends who believed that this was not the loving Christian community they had signed up for. In fact, as a group we decided that we were going to stay at the Honor Academy to help interns. During my internship there so many hurting people, people dealing with past rapes and sexual abuses. Yet, there was only one counselor on campus and he was male. When I asked the leadership why there weren’t more counselors I was never given an answer. I remember so many young men being sent home for watching pornography, and I questioned this because I felt that as a Christian community we should have helped these men in their sins, aka develop small support groups for them. Instead of just kicking them out and leaving them high and dry, again when I brought this up to leadership I received no answers.

As the year progressed, my year at HA became harder and harder, I worked extremely long hours for Global Expeditions to the point of developing Chronic Migraine Syndrome (as diagnosed by a doctor in Lindale). A syndrome that I only developed while at Teen Mania. That coupled with always feeling condemned, worthless, and “un-spiritual” made me feel exhausted. I always felt that there was something wrong with me and because I questioned things occurring at Teen Mania I was always told I was rebellious, something I had never been told in my life before. As the year progressed I became more and more isolated from HA and stuck to the few friends I had. There was always a common joke among us that despite the very cute men at HA, we vowed never to date them because we joked that Teen Mania had messed us up psychologically and we didn’t want to raised psychologically damaged children. Even though it was a joke, there was a lot of underlying truth to that. By the end of the year I left feeling like, if this is what a Christian Community is all about, then I don`t want anything to do with it.

But by the grace of God, I decided against my fears and enrolled in a Christian University. That’s when I realized how conformist Teen Mania was. My years at a Christian University were amazing,people had freedom to be themselves. People held different theological beliefs, but these beliefs were embraced. Instead of condemning each other, people were taught to encourage each other. People talked about their sins and there wasn’t a competition to see who was holier. We were taught by several people and taught to constantly check scripture and form our own opinions, something rarely taught at Teen Mania. During those years I received healing, instead of being told that I was arrogant for being intellectual, I was encouraged to use my intellect to search for truth. I was in a very loving community.

I was talking to my mom tonight and I asked her, honestly what did you think of me being at the Honor Academy? She said at first she was so excited for me. She had gone to Acquire the Fire with me as a youth leader. However, she became worried over my constant fatigue at HA and when I arrived home after the Honor Academy she said I was forever different. “My strong daughter who took risks, believed in herself, and was confident. Became this girl who constantly questioned herself and her abilities.” She said that over the years I have become more confident again. However, she noticed that even seven years later I am different, less assured of who I am. She told me that she had felt this way for sometime, but never had the heart to tell me. She told me that my dad even said to her. “Something happened to her, they broke her spirit down.”

Now I don’t believe that Teen Mania started off with ill intentions, in fact I think that most of the leadership truly believed that they were helping HA interns. However the biggest problem with Teen Mania is that there are too few people in leadership to provide accountability.

I am so thankful for the site recovering alumni because it is helping my healing process. Although I never saw myself as someone who was affected my Teen Mania’s way. I now see that seven years later, I am still recovering from some of the wrong teaching and condemning environment.

Teen Mania will be in my prayers.

215 Comments on "Nicole’s Story"

  1. Nicole,

    I've had a very similar conversation with my parents and siblings. They say comparable things to me. My sister just recently told me that she sometimes sees a "glimpse of her sister behind all the TM mask that I've worn for so long." I only wish I could get some of that carefree, loving person back that I once was.

    Thanks for your story. I think many people will be able to relate.

    For me it wasn't all about ESOAL or LTE's but the overall teaching, working, and breaking down of a person.

  2. Wow yeah Thank you for your story and I am glad you received healing!

  3. "I didn't want to participate, I was constantly told that I had a rebellious spirit, and that rebellion was a form of witchcraft."

    Wow, that is a phrase I had not thought about for a LONG time. I used to hear that one thrown around all the time. Yikes.

    I'm glad you're getting your confidence back Nicole. Keep on keeping on 🙂

  4. Nunquam Honorablus | November 15, 2011 at 4:35 pm | Reply

    Shakira-

    What right do you have to speak about the ways of God to this person when you're threatening RA and blatantly attempting to intimidate her and her family?

    I wouldn't want to take advice from a stalker for Jesus.

    Especially with your ending paragraph- Jesus isn't a happy pill that negates human psychological process.

  5. Oh my. I wish I knew what to say. 🙁 I am sorry. You are in my prayers. I never went to HA, but I have heard so many of these stories and it hurts to hear them.
    ~ "Lacey"

  6. Nicole–this is an amazing story. I t takes a lot of courage to look back on the year when you've spent so much time trying to ignore that part of your past. I identify a lot with many of the things you have said. Please stay in touch with the RA community, and thank you for sharing.

    I hope that talking about these things will help you to live more empowered and confidently.

  7. Nicole,

    I'm so sorry that you went through this. I know many many people who had a similar experience and never want to talk about it. You are very brave for sharing here. I hope you recover the pieces of yourself that you lost during that year.

    Also, the whole witchcraft thing…I remember distinctly Mike Guizzardo (sp?) telling a group of female AA's that flirting was a form of witchcraft because it was manipulation. What a terrible way to phrase ANYTHING…witchcraft is not the same as rebellion, flirting, or any other natural tendency that TM would seek to literally demonize.

  8. You reminded me of my experience at HA. Some of my core labeled me as rebelious as well, especially when I didn't want to do something or I thought something different from the rest of my core. Sometimes it would be a flipant "Oh Emily, your just being rebelious", but I do remember one night during a core prayer meeting our CA was praying over each of us and anointing us. During her prayer she was encouraging one minute and then praying for me to be freed from the spirit of rebellion.

    I remember thinking; am I really that rebellious? I always considered my self a people pleaser more willing to go against my own reservations and conform in order be accepted. I would always question my motives and would accept that it must be rebellion if that is what everyone is saying instead of thinking for myself.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  9. Yeah Nikki Bradshaw made me really paranoid about myself when she labeeled me as rebellious when she prayed for me (but had never met before that). I have spent many years actually hating myself for being a terrible peorson because of the things she said. It's funny how it's so shameful, at the time, we think we are the only ones being told that we have a rebellion issue. I actually thought since I wasn't "in trouble" or breaking rules at the time, etc. that meant I was ESPECIALLY rebellious (if that makes any sense).

    And it really sucks how it has affected "the twenties" for so many of us. It's easy for others to bash these feelings and turn it around on us, but we were in our formative first years of becoming adult. I want the opportunity to tell TM–you affected us deeply–and have them actually HEAR it.

  10. thank you for sharing your story. i have never heard of TM before reading. you have inspired me to believe that i am worthy. most of the time i feel as though i don't belong in any group of people. i feel so alone at times. yet i am a Son of God. and I am worthy. thank you so much <3 your brother in Christ, Joshua Pevarnik

  11. Fantastic story! Thank you! Very helpful.

  12. Thank you everyone for your responses, they have been encouraging and have hopefully helped others. I also wanted to give you an update that I contact Dave, and he apologized to me personally. He also noted that changes have been made to ESOAL which is encouraging to hear. My prayer is that Teen Mania continues to grow and other interns don't have to go through what I have gone through.

  13. If anyone ever tells you "Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft" you turn around and tell them "And arrogance is as the evil of idolatry!"
    So if I'm practicing witchcraft, then the entire HA is committing idolatry. These stories break my heart because instead of equipping young Christians, the Honor Academy is damaging them emotionally and psychologically. Wolves in sheep's clothing, whitewashed tombs, however you wanna slice it.

  14. WOW, AFTER HEARING THESE STORIES, I CAN'T HELP BUT SAY, DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP US ALL. SAVE US FROM THIS UNTOWARD GENERATION OF ????. CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE THE DELUTED DOCTRINE WHICH THEY PROPAGATE. BUT IT SOUNDS "WAY OUT OF BOUNDS." FOLKS, DO NOT SEND YOUR CHILDREN TO THIS PLACE . . .EVER!

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