Love is Louder.

Ever since Mica asked me if I would like to take over the RA blog, I have been contemplating how to start my first post. In the past I have spontaneously and awkwardly contributed my story, as well as some thoughts about healing or lessons I learned at the Honor Academy. But taking over the blog is an entirely new chapter and I would like to approach the task thoughtfully.

There are thanks to be said to Mica, for speaking out and letting each of us know that we are not alone. For genuinely caring about the individuals in this community. This has been her passion for years but now our leader gets to move on–which I think is cause for celebration. We have this beautiful person among us who began a movement from her own wounds and spoke to the pain in all of us. And she’s healed to the point where she doesn’t have to lead this anymore. Her focus now rests on living her joyful life. For any survivor of abuse, that’s progress, and my heart shares in her happiness.

My name is Shannon Ashley and I was an intern in August 2000-2001. I worked as an administrative assistant in the New Business Department my first semester, where I usually worked with the ATF Music label, and then I was transferred to write for the Global Expeditions Marketing team. In addition to my GE tasks, I wrote online devotionals and correspondence or press copies on behalf of Ron Luce. I also went to Trinidad in 1999 with GE, and as an intern went to Amsterdam in 2001. My introduction to the TMM trifecta was an Acquire the Fire convention in Minneapolis when I was 14.

Going into Teen Mania and coming out, I heard the word cult repeatedly, but never believed that it could hold water. I fanatically insisted that TM was good and on-point–that it was the best thing to ever happen in my life. However, I rarely spoke of my experience beyond defending the ministry’s honor. The reality was such that by the end of my Teen Mania experience, I believed that I was useless to the Kingdom of God. My opinion was that I had proved myself to be a terrible Christian. That I had failed to live up to expectations as an intern, and that my life at 19 was worthless. I kept these thoughts secret (as best as I could), and I avoided thinking about my intern year. I found myself unable to maintain relationships with other alumni. And I continued down a very dark path of depression.

The RA blog was a catalyst to my own spiritual awakening. It got me to simply consider that perhaps everything which had happened at TM wasn’t okay. The Mind Over Mania documentary last year then took my journey further and allowed me to see that admitting I had been in a cult or a pseudo-Christian group didn’t mean I was a bad person. Nor did it mean I wasn’t a Christian. But my idea of Christianity has made a radical paradigm shift.

Something I want to be very clear about from the start, because it’s bound to affect my writing, is that I am a “Christian” after my TM experience. I don’t enjoy using the word. I’m certainly not a conventional Christian, and I don’t fit into any specific church or denomination. My on-going healing has revolved around the belief that God is Love. And I don’t believe that much of what I was taught at TM, nor what I experienced in most other Christian circles was love. Not by a long-shot. Therefore, speaking out and educating others about abuse–all forms–is one of my greatest passions in life because Love is what saved me. You may have heard the mantra that “Love is louder than any negative force in this world.” I completely agree with that.

Yet when I say I’ve been down a dark path, I mean it. I’ve never been, nor will I ever be anyone’s idea of a perfect Christian. After TM, I lived my life as if I had no needs. I gave myself to everyone around me in hopes that I could get love in return. This included staying in my dysfunctional family steeped in abuse–sexual, spiritual, substance, they cover it all.  I gave up on my dreams and the belief that I deserved anything good. Shortly prior to my 21st birthday I entered an abusive, loveless marriage and was divorced at age 23. A couple of years later I decided that I was so damned imperfect, I was going to hell no matter what I did. I slept with two men “out of wedlock” and had an abortion when I was 25. At that point I carried crippling shame and guilt and became hardly able to function or survive. I had many thoughts of suicide. I struggled with eating disorders and self-harm habits. I was diagnosed with depression, social phobia, and eventually Bipolar II Disorder. Those are just some highlights of my past.

The reason I’m blurting all of that out is that I want everyone to know even though the words I write from a “Christian” viewpoint, I still know hell. I’m not a goody goody. And I respect every member of this RA community. I may be the new girl running the blog now, but I plan to continue to cultivate a safe place for all. I will never discount the views of another RA member. I want to be sensitive to the fact that there are a variety of faiths or beliefs represented here. I know that we are also all at different stages of healing. I want you to know there’s absolutely nothing you can say that will cause me to judge you, or that will shock me. I have no desire to make people agree with me. I aim for honesty. So please, feel free and be at home here.

Regardless what our different opinions may be, we are all here because we have experienced abuse in one way or another. We are bound together by that common thread of going through the Honor Academy, and it’s really a bittersweet connection. It’s so important to be able to come together and process some of the garbage–not just from TM but from any religion or spiritual abuse. There’s something special in how we can understand each other.

My vision for the future of recoveringalumni.com is simple: Love is louder. Love is louder than abuse. Love is louder than shame. Love is louder than religion. Whatever crap you’ve endured at or since leaving Teen Mania, love is absolutely louder, and I’d like to get that message out to new alumni, prospective interns, parents, and anyone in between.

So thank you for allowing me this opportunity to carry on Mica’s torch. Please be patient as I find my bearings. I’m extremely honored if you could continue to stand by the community here.

175 Comments on "Love is Louder."

  1. Man, Shannon, way to hit it out of the park! What a beautiful mantra: Love is Louder. I love it and its such a good reminder.

    And thank you for being brave enough to bare your soul here. Your vulnerability is so beautiful and I hope it inspires others here to live without shame, no matter their past. Love covers everything.

  2. Beautifully said. Great way to push forward. Love is louder!! 🙂 I love you lady.

  3. I'm really excited about this and happy for both you (shannon) and Mica.

    Shannon, thanks for being so open and honest. I look forward to seeing what else you have to say. 🙂

  4. Thanks for a great post, Shannon, and I welcome any further thoughts of a leader both so authentic and caring.

  5. I am not a part of the Tm or HA family at all. But my own cult experience leaves me able to relate to you guys as to the abusive elements of your participation, neglect as to your true state of mental health, & the need for recovery.

    Good luck Shannon. I hope that doing this blog helps you as much as it may help others.

    • Jeff, thank you for your support. I believe that much of the healing process includes connecting with others who have experienced different types of spiritual abuse.

      We really are all in this together.

  6. Yes, ditto to what everyone says here, Shannon. We are happy to see Mica moving ahead with her life, and happy she has found such a worthy person to continue the good work of this blog.

  7. My experience as a parent is with Campus Crusade For Christ. My daughter had trouble making friends sophomore year of college, so starting going to things involved with them, and then went on a retreat. She came back a changed person, and to me, not a good change. I lost the daughter who was vibrant, random, funny, etc. She now tries so hard to follow God, and won't even so much as look at a fella with his shirt off. I've tried talking to her, but she get so defensive. She is happy that she finally has friends, but truly to me, has no life. She is always trying to "save" someone, and I wish I could save her. She had so many dreams, and no they push for them to come on staff once they graduate. I'm hoping this is just a phase, but worry that it's not. I don't expect a response, but just have to talk about it sometimes, because so much of it makes me so sad. Thanks for listening.

  8. Thank you, friends. I feel really grateful to have your support during this transition. You are all beautiful souls.

    Anonymous, I want to thank you for sharing some of your story. The situation you've described is familiar to most of us from the Honor Academy. I think it's a story worth discussing further, and I would like to address it in a follow-up post. I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness and the joy lost in your daughter. You and she are in my thoughts and prayers. I'll post about this topic later this week–I hope you'll be able to read it.

  9. @Anonymous
    Don't worry too much. If your daughter has been pumped full of hype, it will fade.

    If it's not hype, if she has had an encounter with God, it's hard to discard that experience even if you don't like the result.

    Ask her about why she wants to "save people".

    If she talks mostly about herself and how her life and understanding of the world has changed and how she wants to share that, then she probably has hold of the real deal. Over time she'll figure out how to sort truth out from cultural christianity, and she'll be left with love, strength, maturity…

    If she talks mostly about "what other people need", it's probably just hype and it will fade as she runs out of energy. Rarely is coming to a point of failure a fun experience, but it isn't void of value. Let her empty all the fake ideas out of her head, and be ready to give her love when she is empty.

  10. @Anonymous

    Contact me through our website, http://www.dallascult.com

  11. @Anonymous,
    I can't say I agree with Ian. It may be that it's a phase that passes quickly, it may be that it does damage (however long it lasts). Whether or not it's "real" is a whole other debate, I think. I am sure a lot of people who went to the HA would have said their experience at the time was "real" and that they "encountered God" and now their hindsight is that it was not healthy.
    My point is, I think your concerns are founded and I would not brush them aside. You know your daughter, if she's the kind of person who appreciates direct conversation about this sort of thing, or if you would be better off to admit you're concerned but not push.
    You are not alone, I'm glad you're reading here with us. There are lot of good resources on this site, if you haven't browsed much yet.

  12. I think you're right, Wanderer. As Christians, Christ exhorts us to love God and love others. Those are the two principle ways in which we are supposed to be set apart from "the world".

    And it's not about saving anyone. The whole point is that we ALL need saving, and cannot save ourselves. If a parent sees a change in her daughter, particularly that she's lost her joy and dreams after a "Christian" experience, I believe at the very least, legalism or harsh doctrine is suspect.

    • Ugh, Shannon. I had types up this entire essay and then it deleted itself. But I had wanted to say, that I wanted to know more about this experience which caused you so much pain with out asking you directly. As I too have these past experiences in my life, not the same but similar. So I youtubed my way through the msnbc documentary, and looked up the acquiring the fire which sounded familiar to me from around the time we were 13-14. I never actually attended these events, but did so on a smaller scale with a friends youth group from h.s. I knew teen mania sounded like something from the past, but couldn't quit place it, just advertisement images. Anyway I wanted to check out Micas blog and pleasantly found myself reading your work here. So here I am. And I hope that that's ok. I'm here if you ever need me. Connie

  13. I, too, agree with wanderer. I am at the point where I find very little that is healthy in fundamentalism. I think what your daughter is experiencing, anon, is not really good for her–though I don't want to overly catastophize about it, either. Most of us have been through fundamentalism and have eventually come out okay on the other side.

  14. Connie, <3 Thank you for commenting here. I'm glad you were able to find the site and get through the MSNBC doc. It was actually a big joke our senior year among guy friends that "Shannon was going to a cult" instead of college. I just didn't understand that an experience like this could be cause for concern.

    I'm really passionate about Loving people and allowing them space as well as providing some of the nurturing they need to heal. So I'm increasingly less secretive about my past in an effort to relate to the experiences which others have endured.

    So your offer is equally returned. If you ever wish to talk about your own pains, you know where to find me 🙂

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