Ashley’s Story

My Name Is Ashley, I was an Honor academy Intern in August 2008. Shortly after my grandmother passed away I was called by an Honor Academy representative who offered this bit of insight, “I know your grandmother has gone to be with the Lord, but you should take this as a clear indication that life can be too short not to be close to God.” We had many conversations up until I left for Garden valley in August of 2008.

My life at HA was great at first. I was the new intern cxcited to grow closer to God. I was sold on the idea of my “ability to attend college courses” and thrive in a community of fellow believers. I, however, was not aware I would never be able to speak my mind freely about my feelings, or my take on certain teachings, or that I would be required to attend an approved church. After all the biblical teachings we received on campus not even our Sunday was a day of rest. Around ESOAL time I began to really doubt the teaching methods of the HA and after questioning my Core Advisor (CA) about why I wasn’t able to search out colleges like I had been told I would be able to , I was told that’s not until your here for 2 or 3 years…

Also the first week I was there I had Bronchitis and had to use an inhaler but was still MADE to do corporate exercise. Running 2-3 miles coughing and feeling like I was dying! Back to the week or so before ESOAL, I had general concerns about the intensity of ESOAL and the potential risks as I had heard horror stories from numerous interns who had had a sibling attend in years past. When I twisted my ankle 3 days before the event, I told my CA I was going to opt out of ESOAL. I was then faced with my entire core criticizing me and lecturing me that I needed to beat my body that I would be fine. I don’t to well with conflict so I just went with it. I lasted 1 day and 11 hours before I rang out. I was muddy, ant bite ridden, soaking wet in my heavy clothes and near exhaustion In the 110+ heat. I was again taunted, humiliated and guilted before I rang out. But my body and mind were through.

After ESOAL, I had to return to my normal schedule: 5am corprate exercise, showers quiet time, breakfast, work in the call center until 6pm, then dinner, night seminar and back to the dorm at 10:30pm, lights out and back up at 5am again. There was barely any time to think to myself or call loved ones, or even be allowed to go off campus for a movie …Because it had to be approved… and it almost always was not.

About a week after ESOAL, I began to Experience fainting spells and would pass out in class and wake up with people huddling around me. I would pass out in the call center during a phone call to a church. I would wake up to people blowing in my face offering me peanut butter crackers and juice. I would pass out in my dorm and not wake until dinner. Finally I said enough is enough and I made someone drive me to a hospital nearly 30 minutes away, where I was diagnosed with Vaso Vagal Syncopy. This is caused by a continuous nutritional ceficiency. We had fasted sugar for the past week, and I was about to fast on our “Core agreed” one week food fast – something our CA’S decided we were going to do without question… Needless to say I refused to do so after my diagnosis but was reprimanded and told to fast everything I could to make up for the “Void” in my life. I fasted because I didn’t want to be ridiculed. I only fasted meat, sugary things and junk food. I lost 15lbs in one week – not exactly healthy to lose that much in a weeks time.

Needless to say, by February of 2009 I wanted to go home. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had a counseling session with Mr. Hasz and then with Ron Luce. They both tried to convince me to stay and then said the only reason I felt the way I did was because of my own personal issues and that the ministry had no fault in any of my physical, mental or spiritual misgivings. In fact, it was striving to follow the teachings and be an exemplary intern that led to my physical, mental and spiritual health issues.

When I returned home, it was difficult for me to socialize, go to church or work and it was really hard to connect with anyone because no one knew what I had been through. I spent countless days in my room, secluded and not being myself (I’m outgoing, loud and talkative) I was quiet and reserved and seeing this documentary really opened my eyes and my old wounds. I’ve kept them down because they made me feel like i was the problem , that I was the reason I was feeling the way I felt – but it’s not me…It’s the Honor Academy.

168 Comments on "Ashley’s Story"

  1. Wow, Ashley. I am so sorry you went through all of that. I also had bronchitis and they were very cruel about it. But the HA is bad enough without having episodes of fainting–you must have been really frightened! I am so glad the documentary was helpful to you as well as Mica's site here (I am thankful for everyone who made that documentary happen!). I pray for your healing and comfort. I have also been telling myself all week, "It's not you, it's abuse."

  2. Ashley, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you experienced all of that. I'm glad you finally know that you were not the problem! Recognizing that is the first step to healing.

    You are a very brave woman to submit your story now, when all the trolls are out. Thank you for telling your story!!!

  3. This is me at my most blunt I am super sorry that happened to you! I am super sorry that I am sure some kid there now is sick and hurting that they are being told their health problems are their fault for some spiritual void instead of something horrid TM did to them. It's sick regardless of anything else this should horrify people beyond belief. I know some aren't but that just shows the level of mind control there. This makes me so angry for Ashley for Me for any person who got sick at the HA and got treated like they must have something mentally or Physically wrong with them to get sick. God yes this pisses me off I AM SO SORRY FOR YOU ASHLEY!

  4. That's so sad they often didn't approve movies 🙁
    I saw one movie in a theater that year: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" but maybe we just did that one weekend without getting approval. I can't recall…

  5. Can anyone elaborate on the "approved church" thing? I have been part of two churches in the Garden Valley area that used to have a lot of Teen Mania interns attend and then suddenly they all stopped coming. One I saw first hand: we used to do a lot of stuff for the interns like host big potlucks where all they had to do was show up and a lot of the congregation would do stuff like invite over those who couldn't go home for Thanksgiving. Then one year (I can't remember exactly when, mid-2000s though), when the new batch of interns were due to start not a single one visited our church and none have come since.

    I go to an Episcopal church now and someone just recently mentioned that they used to have a lot of Teen Mania interns visit but they haven't seen any in several years. I wondered if that was a theology thing. The other church was really conservative though, and really close to the TM campus. But I do know that one time someone in leadership at TM called the church and griped at them for having some cheesy saying up on their sign. Said it was a bad image for the Lord. How ironic!

  6. J2, I was there in 2002 – 2003. I don't remember being told we could only go to certain churches but I know there were signup sheets for shuttles like for CCF, Vineyard, etc. I can't remember whether they only had set churches they allowed though. I used to go to Garden Valley Bible a lot, mostly because it was within walking distance

  7. I'm curious if things have changed in the past few years. Ashley's use of the phrase "approved church" made me wonder if there is a list now or something. Part of the reason I knew things had gotten worse at TMM in the past 5 years or so is that I used to be able to hire interns to babysit for me and stuff like that. First the ones who attended our church started being too busy to ever get away at all, not even for a few hours on a Friday or Saturday night (and I know it wasn't me! lol I paid really well and a lot of girls would tell me they really wished they could because they'd love an evening of quiet all by themselves in a house after the kids went to sleep). Then they never came to our church at all anymore so I never met them anyway.

  8. I was there in 2005 and I don't remember needing to get my chosen church approved. Of course, I also mostly went to Garden Valley Bible because of the walking distance thing. It did also remind me of my church back home– very traditional and the people were very nice.

  9. When I was there we went through the loss of the use of the vans that took us to church. People said TM had let the insurance expire…it seemed like a few months, maybe longer and it really sucked.

  10. I was there a very, very long time ago. Apparently they first started with an approval list after a charasmatic church had a service in which clothing was taken off. LOL

    And Ash, you are not alone. I remember having the worst tonsilitis ever! I was in my bed crying and no one would check on me even though they knew I was sick. I actually got reprimanded for taking off a day at work (I had a fever and was in the fetal position crying for my mother.) Fortunatley I had familty in Ft. Worth who brought me medicine. I was never offered a ride to a clinic by anyone and there was never a nurse on campus.

  11. Ashley, thank you for sharing your story. I hope my comments didn't come across as nitpicky or a hijack. 🙂 My husband and I live in the community and could be described as concerned onlookers, so when I saw a piece of information that seemed relevant to a question I have had for a while, I jumped on it. But I really hope I didn't come across as side-stepping the real issue, which is the hurt you suffered at TMM. I'm sorry about what you went through.

  12. J2,

    Interns get to choose whatever church they want to go to. I have never heard of TM having an approved church list. I can only speak from 2004-now. As far having people babysit for you. I know there are many young ladies that do that frequently for other families. There are sometimes when there is a weekend event on campus and they wouldn't be able to.

    As far as interns being busy, they are. However, so are traditional college students. When I was an intern I had to make sure that I was making good use of the time I had. There were others who didn't do that and to them it seemed like they didn't have time, where others did learn time management and they had a plenty of free time. Time management is something that does take time to learn.

    I hope this helps. Good questions.

  13. While I hate to go off topic, I have to address the time issue. I worked part time and went to college full time and was never as busy as when I was at Teen Mania – please don't suggest that interns have plenty of free time because that is just not true. You might have managed what little you had better than others – but TM monopolizes the vast majority of an intern's time.

  14. The schedule is a corporate schedule. They can't monopolize one interns' time without monopolizing all of them. I firsthand, know that a lot of interns are poor at managing their time. Signing up for extra activities such as potters desire, shattered clay, and other things to stay busy. That is just poor time management and clear lack of boundaries.

  15. Anonymous, this is the age when young people are learning to create boundaries and TM constantly infringes upon them. It is very cold to simply blame the intern for managing their time poorly as you have said. First of all some jobs are more demanding than others. Second, leadership continually advise interns to do more with any free time they have–Dave himself preaches that we should constantly be involved in activities with ETERNAL VALUE and that we CAN SLEEP WHEN WE'RE DEAD. Most of us were unable to say no to suggestions to take on more activities because of the attitude leadership uses–it is very manipulative. If it's not said you are being selfish, rebellious, ungodly, etc. it is implied. I know in my case it was usually said explicitly through confrontations.

    TM never taught about real boundaries when I was there. I certainly never knew I had a right to them until more recently (ten years later).

  16. Recovering Alumni…I couldn't disagree with you more. Interns do in fact have a lot of free time they can use as they wish! Not taking away from the fact that the program is intense…especially now, with the courses being actual college classes. It is a lot of work. And I did think the extra hours in ministry placement during overtime weeks got to be a bit much…(I was a manager…and would often let my team out early…bc I could see it was too tasking on them)…but that was short seasons. As a whole, interns are free to do as they please with the extra free time (that they do in fact have)…while keeping up with their school work (just as a college student would), and keeping up with their "jobs" (just as a FULL TIME worker would). It's a lot, but totally do-able. Interns are always leaving campus to have a break…go to the movies, head to Tyler, eat at Pasados, go to the WYAM Prayer chapel, go to a local church event, etc, etc, etc. Things may have changed over the years though, so sorry if your experience was different.

  17. I highly doubt that Teen Mania has actual college classes now…

  18. I thought the "college credit" was for those who where taking the Worldwide Perspectives course, and paying a class fee. I think it was accepted as credit at ORU and Bethel. But that's all I remember. I'm ancient.

  19. J2 – I just want to thank you for being good to those interns when you had the chance. Outside love from friendly neighbors is what those kids needed. I know I needed it when I was there (2002-2003).

    To all of the pro-TM anons, I call bullshit. The HA directly and indirectly controls almost every aspect of an intern's life, including what they do in their free time and what church they choose to attend.

  20. I meant 2001-2003.

  21. Anon-

    Are u still at the HA? I was there from 2006-2008. Has something changed since I was there? I had little to no free time. It was extremely frustrating. When I brought this up to HA leadership (Randy Oslon) I was shown how its all my fault and in that moment of manipulation, I agreed. Looking back on it I see how TM could do no wrong in their own eyes or be held responsible for what we were subjected to. We did not even have college credit when i was there and I was swamped. Are you to tell us that free time activities such going to the movies, heading to Tyler, eating at Pasados, going to the WYAM Prayer chapel,or going to a local church event, etc. should not have any priority for interns?

  22. Also want to add…

    Even if you did have some limited free time, you had to have a car (or someone with a car), money for gas (or a group of people who were willing to put in for gas), and money to do said free-time things. I was broke and car-less (until the amazing and wonderful Brandon Fergeson and I became friends, that is), and I wasn't getting paid & wasn't allowed to work off campus. I was also on financial probation most of the time (poor family, no home church, athiest relatives) so all of the money that came in for me was immediately absorbed into my intern account. They never thought to give me cash for necessaties (toothpaste, shampoo, razors, tampons, laundry $, etc..things the internship should have provided for the amount of $ we paid) and they certainly wouldn't contribute to outside activities.

    I worked 40+ hours a week, went to classes, did the laundy-list of required extras (including volunteer-time off campus), and sometimes had my butt campused for not being able to complete everything. When you didn't have enough time to fit in all of your required assignments, they punished you by taking away your "free time". The system at the HA is illogical. It burns people out.

  23. Each intern's experience is different from the next. God has made each of us differently. We all respond differently to different situations. One person's experience does not accurately display the experience of every person that has ever attended the HA. No one can judge a person's experience, because you never experienced it the way they did. It's safe to say that life at the HA is hectic and busy. Don't downplay someone's experience by saying they managed their time wrong. I think it's also very possible for others to have free time, depending on their job, etc. It's more a matter of feeling the freedom to express how you are worn out, exhausted, and that your body is deteriorating then get the time to restore your body. That doesn't seem like an option.

  24. The free time thing varies pretty wildly from intern to intern, based on things like availability of a car or ride to town, money available to spend on gas and fun, the ministry placement, your boss at work, your core advisor, the overall mood of the ha at the time you're there (some years are strict and some are more relaxed), how many core activities your ca has planned, how strict/gung-ho your CA is, etc.

    So it's not unexpected to see everything from interns that have plenty of free time to interns that are overworked and exhausted. There are a lot of factors at play (and they don't all have the same weight in individual situations), which I think explains why so many people have so many different perspectives on it. Huge-scope vision coupled with poor planning doesn't help with the free time thing, either, so when that happens everybody pays for it.

  25. I can honestly say that I worked overtime over half of my internship — and had NO free time.
    what so ever.

    but yes, every interns situation is different.

  26. First off let me say that I am sorry that you worked so much overtime. I cannot speak for anything before 2007, however I was there from 2007-2009 and there were only 4 weeks at various times in the year that overtime were placed, however, those overtime hours were given back the following week after the overtime was placed. You were only allowed to work up to 40 hours during that week. I had interns who wanted to stay longer and I didn't allow them to do so. I also made sure that I gave them the additional hours worked off that following week. I am sorry if you didn't get that time back.

  27. Carl Litchfield | November 16, 2011 at 8:19 am | Reply

    Ashley, I am sickened and horrified that you passed out repeatedly and no one thought to take you to a doctor. And naturally, all of your problems were all your fault, because Ron and Dave couldn't have done ANYTHING wrong to harm even one person. (heavy, heavy sarcasm)

    In relation to the great intern time table debate, I was actually discussing this earlier today. And since I like math, here we are: The internship states that you will work approximately 35 hours per week in your ministry placement. 4 days a week, we had "college level classes, taking 1-2 hours, averaging 1.5. According to my college orientation class, one should plan for two hours of homework for every hour spent in class, so that's 3 hours on average. And Wednesday was chapel, which almost always took 2 hours. Plus we were supposed to do an hour of devotions every day, so that's 7 hours. And 20 min to 1 hour of exercise 4 times a week, so we'll say 30 min average. Plus an hour with our roommates, and an hour with our Cores. And a about an hour per meal, three times a day.
    So
    35 + 4×1.5 + 4×3 + 2 + 7 + 4x.5 + 1 + 1 + 21 = 87 hours a week that are scheduled or expected to be scheduled. That doesn't include the time one spends at church each week, which is also mandatory. If you combine that with the 9 hours of sleep the human body needs (average), that leaves 18 hours of personal time per week. That comes to a little over 2.5 hours a day. That sounds like a TON of free time. (Again, sarcasm).

  28. This is about the third account of Teen Mania that I've read and all I can say is that I am thankful to be agnostic.
    I was raised in a Christian home….I guess you can call me one of the 80 percent who fell away after high school.
    My faith starting eroding when a youth minister's reply to my feelings of confusion during my first year of college were "well, you just need to get in the word more!" to flaking away when an ex fiance told me during my senior year of college that she had the spirit of discernment and I had fallen out with God after I broke off our engagement to evaporating completely while watching the political idiocy of the christian right over the last ten years.
    One thing that I clearly remember from my days of being in the church….Thinking for yourself was never encouraged.
    But when you wake up as an adult in your mid thirties, you find out that thinking for yourself is the only thing that makes any damned sense.
    Take care of you.

  29. I think you're right about the church, thinking is not encouraged. Like the jokes says, "check your brain at the door."

    Ironically, I was told that joke at the HA. Leadership constantly told to question what leadership was saying. Although, we didn't because we took everything they said as Gospel truth.

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